\u00e2\u20ac\u0153By being ready to take each question to a deeper level, it dissolves or transforms each structure in turn, so that in the end there are no obstacles to the recognition of knowledge at work.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d \u00e2\u20ac\u201c Tarthang Tulku LOK, 273<\/p>\n
Last night a strong desire came and I had the opportunity to practice Jack\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s invitation to enter emotionality differently. I felt into the desire directly, knowing it from inside it. The desire expanded. This intimate way of inquiring\/knowing the desire brought a reaction: it was a sense of dying. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Okay, so this is next…\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I became curious: What’s this? I entered it, coming up the inside of it with space and playfulness. I felt into the dying. I, in a manner of speaking, became the dying.<\/p>\n
I faintly discerned it had to do with a loss of \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcselfhood.\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 Dropping into another layer of it all, I found the ‘self’ was rejecting the original inquiry – sullenly resisting opening to the original desire, and so I next entered into the resistance with the same curious spaciousness.<\/p>\n
Soon I noticed that there was something to do with my mother which had arisen, and entering that I found (to my surprise) that there was resistance to having no structure, because that would mean the loss of some structured ‘good me’. I could see my self-structure was built around being \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcgood\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 (and so letting the original desire be conscious was threatening to my ego-structure.) \u00c2\u00a0There was a belief there that I had to be good for my mother. So, next I let that be here, and again \u00e2\u20ac\u201c entered it intimately as \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcspace presenting to space,\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 I trusted not-knowing as the ground of fidelity to \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcwhat-is.\u00e2\u20ac\u2122<\/p>\n
It dropped down another layer. I saw that the self- structure thought that I NEED the good-bad polarity, for my existence. I saw my whole life as a dharma practitioner there \u00e2\u20ac\u201c taking on the dharma as a way to be good (for an internalised mother). This dissolved the structure. I stayed with no structure for a while, curious, and again entering the sense of emptiness from inside it. Next I experienced the mind desiring another step. I realised that it believed that another step must come. But that was a kind of a serial-jump. (That is, if I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve had one layer after another, then I must have another, so I create the next step by expecting it.) So, I didn’t jump and I stayed put for what was presenting. Then I saw that I am not anything that appears or presents itself. This was evident from the mist-like insubstantial presentation of my bodily sensations. They were luminosity presenting as activity. But whatever they were, I wasn’t in them, nor was \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcI\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 established \u00c2\u00a0‘by’ them. There was a total darkness which was also a peaceful knowing.<\/p>\n
That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s enough for now.
\nChristopher.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153By being ready to take each question to a deeper level, it dissolves or transforms each structure in turn, so that in the end there are no obstacles to the recognition of knowledge at work.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d \u00e2\u20ac\u201c Tarthang Tulku LOK, 273 … Continue reading