Wow, have I been in the dark lately. So much tension, stress and resentment to what is happening in my life and to continue these classes, so many I want this and I want that. The “I†in the first sentence, has taken control. It has been skeptical about this whole inquiry stuff. Wants to be left alone. No enjoyment of the good things that are happening, just nagging about losses, complaining and afraid.. By saying no to any projection of what live will be like in the future the “I†was left in total frustration and very clear in roaring its anger and pain. With the future open with no sense of what it will be like, where to live, or even the possibility of a new job. “I†feels lost. When “I†has taken control it is almost impossible to sense what “I†is at this moment. But at times it seems possible to stop the nagging, to hush it. To relax into just being and listen from deep within to the sounds of the birds outside, sensing the energies that surround us, new impulses that are ready to be discovered, just relaxing the muscles and witnessing the rough energies that seem to be occupying life lately instead of being taken by these. Not to interpret these sounds and energies seems to be the most effective way to settle the self in a more receptive mode. Playing with the self in this way feels like gaining some control over a wild horse. To observe the games of self is like finding out about a domineering companion in life. And strangely somehow when there is more space between experience and I, there is the dawn of a tranquil alive quality that is different, loving, present.
Thieu Berkhout
the Netherlands
Hi Thieu,
Thanks for sharing your frustrations and the help you find in practicing the kinds of things we have been studying. Do you ever wonder if we’ve been given a safefy net for when our moods plummet? Reading your post reminds me of when whole years would vanish into a depressed and hopeless conviction that this was just my life, and there was nothing I could do but wait until it was over. Even if the self is slippery, looking at its role can help us to take responsibility for our states of mind, don’t you think? Your post reminded me both of the reading and the exercise “Disowning Tension”, but especially the latter. What I’ve been finding with that exercise, is that looking at the one who owns, organizes (and who is trying to fix and control whatever concerns it), I can see how letting myself be part of the frustrating situations helps engender more empathy and modesty. Instead of “How is my son going to have a life in this world?” I think, “Boy, here we all are swimming in the same ocean, never sure how to do the right thing, not very effective, not very aware , , .” And then I remember that awareness is the best companion in all situations, and hope, yet again, to leave a place for it in my life.” –Michael