While investigating the space between thoughts and their source, at some point thoughtful activity calmed, and there was space between, however, a shift in focus revealed that sharing in this space were various forms of sensual input at many different levels. What at first appeared empty turned out to be full, like a sensing ocean with many moving currents and forms. But after awhile, this oceanic space expanded, and even body sensations thinned out and ceased. That is, most of time’s presentation of the multiplicity of seemingly endless levels of form spaced out, and there remained a sense of open illumined space, like a glow, which I might describe as aware spaciousness. After awhile there was a blank, as if I went to sleep except I didn’t fall over, go limp, or nod my head. Later, aware spaciousness reappeared. Because I was intrigued by this blank, and the point of emergence, I was drawn out further away as a gathering sense of self, as body feelings and forms returned including tingling and aches in the legs, and then thoughts. It was interesting to reflect on that whole relinquishing, reacquiring and establishing movement.
I think that if my senses were stimulated during the blank, such as a sound or a touch on the shoulder, emergence toward acquiring self and distinguishing sensual input would have occurred, which suggests the availability of some kind of awareness ‘in waiting’ – available but not acting, like an undisturbed black pool, but yet not a thing, place, or quality.
Considering what happened, it seems to me a ‘blank’ is different than a knowledge gap between subject and object (as long as the blank is not taken as an object). A blank is more of an ‘experience gap,’ where there’s no subject, object, or even conscious mind. Perhaps a blank is simply beyond the field that gives time space and knowledge, where nothing is and things are not. Like the other side of zero, it seems to be the ‘un-illumined’ – but on this side mysterious, intriguing, and even haunting. And as I observed myself making the blank an object, and then filling it with meaning, I’m thankful for the lessons of the Giant Body and reversal exercises. For I am not too tightly bound to the meanings now; they seem light and wispy and made of space, more able to be held provisionally and amiably along with not knowing. Experientially it seems to me (speaking in terms of coming and going), the blank was beyond and not known, and perhaps that is the ultimate source and destination of my thoughts and self-image. And if this is so, it seems to point to the ‘no source’ view of experience – and the emergence of a non-occupying presence from nothing, and the whole acquiring and establishing process within that.
Another understanding from the point of emergence from ‘blank’ all the way to self-image, was that the glow is not only an aspect of the object, like that of a phosphorescent blossom or a candle flame; in mental space where the object is presented, the glow of awareness presents all objects. All presentations of form seem to consist of degrees of the glow of awareness (of knowing), for without it there is only blank.
The glow and the blank reminded me of an exercise I took from a line somewhere, “If I were time instead of me, what would the qualities of my existence be?”
Perhaps I would be already. In a sense, the past would be and the future have already been, and the now a rhythmic momentum that included you and I and everyone, like blinks.
David
